Perfectionism

Perfectionism. It drives me crazy. I struggle with feeling that I need to be perfect. It is my curse. When I am asked to perform, whether in sports, in school, or on the job, I become paralyzed by my fear of not being "good enough". The harder I try to be perfect, the worse I perform.

I have to prepare a mini-case study for a job interview and once again, I am terrified by thought because my drive to make it "perfect" has taken over. My ideas come to me with ease, but when I try to organize my thoughts on paper, I am lost. The words come out in a chaotic mess that brings me to tears.

Mistakes. I wish I could let myself make them. I have an inner rebellious child inside that wants to run into the world and make mistakes. To spend money on frivolous and fun items that I want, but do not need. To lay around reading a book or watching a movie, rather than looking for a job. To let my uncontrollable hair hang freely, rather than pulling it back into a neat pony tail to disguise the kinks. To sleep late. To have my toes pampered and painted pink at luxurious spa, even though it is cheaper to polish them on my own.

Responsibility to do the right thing and please others. I feel I need to be the responsible one. The one who saves for the future, spends her money wisely, gets a good education, works hard to find a job each day. I want to take a break from my typical "responsible" self and learn to be free. My need to be responsible feeds my perfectionism. My need to be responsible restricts my inner child who wants to have fun. Maybe it is time to let my inner child run free, to start expressing myself the way I want to, rather than how I think I should in order to attain the approval of some external critic.

Maybe part of my lesson right now is to learn to make mistakes and to let go of what other people think. Yes there are critics out there, but I will never please everyone. Susan Boyle is my new inspiration. She seems like a woman who is comfortable with who she is and has a dream, to become the next Ellen Page. The harsh critics of the world tried to bring her down due to her "frumpy" clothes, bushy eyebrows, and frizzy hair. But, Susan did not succumb to her critics, she sang from her heart and delivered a beautiful performance. No, Susan isn't perfect, but she has a voice that captured the hearts of millions of people across the world.

Maybe in order to find the job that will make me feel calm and confident inside, I need to present myself just the way I am - imperfect. If I speak and write from my heart, I will be honest and true to myself. When I meet the person who sees my potential and accepts me the way I am today with all of my imperfections, I will land the job that will twinkle my toes. So, now I will write my mini-case answers based on what my heart thinks and see what happens.