Perfectionism

Perfectionism. It drives me crazy. I struggle with feeling that I need to be perfect. It is my curse. When I am asked to perform, whether in sports, in school, or on the job, I become paralyzed by my fear of not being "good enough". The harder I try to be perfect, the worse I perform.

I have to prepare a mini-case study for a job interview and once again, I am terrified by thought because my drive to make it "perfect" has taken over. My ideas come to me with ease, but when I try to organize my thoughts on paper, I am lost. The words come out in a chaotic mess that brings me to tears.

Mistakes. I wish I could let myself make them. I have an inner rebellious child inside that wants to run into the world and make mistakes. To spend money on frivolous and fun items that I want, but do not need. To lay around reading a book or watching a movie, rather than looking for a job. To let my uncontrollable hair hang freely, rather than pulling it back into a neat pony tail to disguise the kinks. To sleep late. To have my toes pampered and painted pink at luxurious spa, even though it is cheaper to polish them on my own.

Responsibility to do the right thing and please others. I feel I need to be the responsible one. The one who saves for the future, spends her money wisely, gets a good education, works hard to find a job each day. I want to take a break from my typical "responsible" self and learn to be free. My need to be responsible feeds my perfectionism. My need to be responsible restricts my inner child who wants to have fun. Maybe it is time to let my inner child run free, to start expressing myself the way I want to, rather than how I think I should in order to attain the approval of some external critic.

Maybe part of my lesson right now is to learn to make mistakes and to let go of what other people think. Yes there are critics out there, but I will never please everyone. Susan Boyle is my new inspiration. She seems like a woman who is comfortable with who she is and has a dream, to become the next Ellen Page. The harsh critics of the world tried to bring her down due to her "frumpy" clothes, bushy eyebrows, and frizzy hair. But, Susan did not succumb to her critics, she sang from her heart and delivered a beautiful performance. No, Susan isn't perfect, but she has a voice that captured the hearts of millions of people across the world.

Maybe in order to find the job that will make me feel calm and confident inside, I need to present myself just the way I am - imperfect. If I speak and write from my heart, I will be honest and true to myself. When I meet the person who sees my potential and accepts me the way I am today with all of my imperfections, I will land the job that will twinkle my toes. So, now I will write my mini-case answers based on what my heart thinks and see what happens.

Finding a Mentor

I am so proud of my two cousins TJ and Brian. Both have made choices in their lives that have resulted in challenging circumstances that they may not have intended on. I am proud of their courage and persistance to overcome these difficult situations. TJ found the strength to raise his two young girls after losing his one true love, the mother of his girls, to cancer. TJ who spent over a year struggling to find work was given an opportunity to work in a law office and pursue an education in criminal justice. Brian left his college basketball scholarship and career because it was not a good fit. He struggled to make a living in the restaurant industry and was recently given the opportunity to get into bar management. Both TJ and Brian found mentors who took a chance on them and set them on their paths to bright and successful futures.

I am looking for my mentor. Someone who will see my education, experience, and desire to work hard and learn as assets. Someone who will accept me for who I am and teach me how to become a star. Someone who will see my potential rather than what I lack in experience.

This job search is hard. Recruiters and hiring managers tell me that their are many "well-qualified" candidates. When I hear these words, my mind fills with fear that I am not "good enough". Will my resume pass the initial screening test? Do I have the right education and work experience? Will the interviewers look past my less than eloquent answers to see that I am really a diamond in the rough? I am a diamond who needs a little polish to turn into a star.

Yes, I know that I may not have the perfect resume, nor will I be able to "sell myself" as well as other candidates. But, I am unique. I have a breadth of business experience from marketing and finance. I am motivated to learn and try new things. This is why I am looking for my mentor who can polish my rough spots and set me on my path to becoming a star.

What is my purpose?

How do I find my purpose in life? What are my gifts? What am I meant to do? “The Power of Positive Thinking”, “The Passion Test”, The Purpose Driven Life”, “Now Discover Your Strengths” – books that are supposed to clarify my purpose. I read them all. I have taken the Strengths test three times, worked with a strengths coach, and taken multiple assessment tests. After all of this self-analysis and introspection, I am still just as lost as when I started, except now I have a major headache. This over thinking has gotten me nowhere. I will never have a sudden spark of clarity and say, “aha, now I know exactly what I am meant to do.” It is all about responding to the moment and experimentation.

Maybe life is really simple. Your purpose will change depending on the situation. I believe your purpose is related to your goals in life and what you want to accomplish. Right now, my goal is to find a job at a company that provides balance, direction, variety, financial security, and the opportunity to learn and grow. I am interested in health and fitness, social psychology, sociology, and consumer behavior. Hopefully I can find a job that will allow me to do what I am interested in. My purpose is to meet with people who have job opportunities that sound interesting, send out resumes, go through interviews, and stay open to different types of experiences that come my way.

I believe you may have multiple purposes related to different areas of your life. For example, today my purpose was to clean my house. I felt energized as I swept the floors, scrubbed the bathroom, folded the laundry, and vacuumed the carpet. My beautiful condo is now sparkling clean and I accomplished my goal – to rid my home of dirt and grime.

I believe your purpose in life is to respond to the situation that you are faced with in the given moment. Your purpose is to “walk the walk” and perform each activity with heart, whether it’s listening to a friend, washing a dish, or making copies for an important business meeting. No task is unimportant or too small.

I am done with self-analysis and personal reflection. My purpose in life is to set goals for what I want to do and take actions to achieve them. Maybe my purpose in this job search is to try different experiments to find the job that energizes me and gives me the life I desire – one of simplicity, balance, and fun.

What does life mean to me?

What does life mean to me? This is a difficult question. For a long time my life has felt like a tornado whirling out of control. I have lived my life to please others and ran from one thing, be it a job, activity, or thought, to another without a sense of direction. My thoughts whirl around in my head trying to figure out what will bring me stability and contentment. My racing thoughts only make me more lost and confused.

Perhaps life is a like the ocean. Some days the waves are rocky and you struggle to keep afloat. Other days the water is smooth as glass and you easily glide along at peace. Right now my ocean feels kind of like a tsunami and I can't see where to swim in order to reach the calm waters. I know I must be patient and persistent because I will eventually swim to my place of peace and contentment. Maybe my current challenge is to learn how to ride out the waves because eventually they will carry me to the shore where I will feel stable and content once again.

Oops. . . My Mistake

For the past 4 years I have been restless and unhappy. However, I created my own discontent and sadness. I closed myself off from opportunities to learn new things and built a steel wall of resistance around myself when I left a job that I loved at General Mills to attend MBA School. I locked myself into a box and hid the key. I did not know what I wanted to do for a career, but rather than let myself explore different options while I was in school, I let my head convince me that I would go into finance no matter what. Oops, I made a mistake.

God sent me clear messages that I ignored and over time, the pain and discomfort grew stronger with each passing day. The more I resisted what I was experiencing, the restlessness and sense of loss intensified. As I walked away from the path of what my heart wanted, I felt more lost and confused. I did not give myself the opportunity to learn and to stay open to the opportunities that I was given.

I feel embarrassed and ashamed for how I was living. Today is my chance for a rebirth, a chance for forgiveness. Today I will break down my wall of resistance and start over. I will remain open to each opportunity that comes my way. I will be open to change and take it as a chance to learn something new. Today is the day to say "what can I learn from this" rather than resisting what feels uncomfortable.

I still feel lost, but I know that if I remain open and optimistic, God will lead me to an opportunity that will allow me to use my gifts and inspire me. Who knows, perhaps I made the right decision to go into finance, however, I did not go into it with an open mind. I did not give myself the opportunity to learn.

So, today I will start anew, pick myself up, and walk through each door that opens because one door will get back on my path to happiness again.