Hemingway once said when you don’t know what to write, just write one true fact. Last week my job was cut in a marketing reorganization. I expected this could happen, but it still hurts. I feel like all the effort and hard work that I put into my work over the past 3 years, didn’t really matter. I feel defeated. I wonder, was there something I could have done differently… or was I just a box on a piece of paper?
I feel lost and confused and unsure what to do next. When I need inspiration, I look to role models who work hard and overcome obstacles. This is why I admire athletes and enjoy watching the Olympics. The athletes who perform best ignore the competition and focus on their race. They pick themselves up when they fall down. What do I need to do? I need to pick myself up and start over. For years I have spent too much time worrying about what other people think or what other people are doing (the competition). The truth is that the competition doesn’t matter. I need to focus on my game plan – what can I offer? If I work hard and treat others with respect, I will land on my feet.
The job loss will not defeat me. I will put one foot in front of the other and it will lead me to something. I will find another job. It is time to trust that I am ok, just the way I am.
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Past Friendships
They say that people come into your life at certain times to teach you something and then they are gone. The relationship comes to an end. I have always had a hard time saying goodbye and letting go of a past friendship. I always wonder what my friends and the people I care about are up to. I miss our deep conversations, shared secrets, and times of laughter. What did I do wrong to cause you to walk away?
My college boyfriend, Tim, just got married. I saw his wedding pictures on Facebook and he looks so happy. I am happy that he has found someone special to share his life with, but at the same time I am filled with a sense of loss. He was my best friend and my heart aches knowing that someone else has taken that special place in his heart that I once called my own.
Tim and I were the best of friends. We were like Harry and Sally in the classic movie, "When Harry Met Sally". We were complete opposites, but got along like two peas in a pod. He was a big spender and loved to have the latest and greatest gadgets and clothes. I was little miss frugal who hated to spend a dime on something that I would not use. He loved to spend hours playing on the computer. I loved to spend hours running along the lake shore and basking in the sun. He was a night owl and loved to stay out until the wee hours of the morning. While I was an early riser, who was in bed by 10 pm in order to wake refreshed for my morning run.
Despite our differences, Tim was my dear, trusted companion. I opened my heart to him and shared my deepest secrets. I turned to him for advice and comfort. He had a talent of helping me see the reality of a situation, when I would spiral into a depression over a little trauma. He knew how to make me smile. I never wanted to date Tim because I knew if we didn't work out, I would lose my best friend.
Tim and I broke up over 4 years ago and as I expected, our friendship ended. I know in my heart that we were a terrible couple, but I still miss his friendship. I know that we can never have a relationship again, but I will always hold a special place in my heart for him. If he ever needs a friend, a sympathetic ear, or a good laugh, I will be here for him. I always hold a place in my heart for my friends, even those who have gone away, and I hope that someday, God will send them back into my life and if he does, I will welcome them with open arms.
My college boyfriend, Tim, just got married. I saw his wedding pictures on Facebook and he looks so happy. I am happy that he has found someone special to share his life with, but at the same time I am filled with a sense of loss. He was my best friend and my heart aches knowing that someone else has taken that special place in his heart that I once called my own.
Tim and I were the best of friends. We were like Harry and Sally in the classic movie, "When Harry Met Sally". We were complete opposites, but got along like two peas in a pod. He was a big spender and loved to have the latest and greatest gadgets and clothes. I was little miss frugal who hated to spend a dime on something that I would not use. He loved to spend hours playing on the computer. I loved to spend hours running along the lake shore and basking in the sun. He was a night owl and loved to stay out until the wee hours of the morning. While I was an early riser, who was in bed by 10 pm in order to wake refreshed for my morning run.
Despite our differences, Tim was my dear, trusted companion. I opened my heart to him and shared my deepest secrets. I turned to him for advice and comfort. He had a talent of helping me see the reality of a situation, when I would spiral into a depression over a little trauma. He knew how to make me smile. I never wanted to date Tim because I knew if we didn't work out, I would lose my best friend.
Tim and I broke up over 4 years ago and as I expected, our friendship ended. I know in my heart that we were a terrible couple, but I still miss his friendship. I know that we can never have a relationship again, but I will always hold a special place in my heart for him. If he ever needs a friend, a sympathetic ear, or a good laugh, I will be here for him. I always hold a place in my heart for my friends, even those who have gone away, and I hope that someday, God will send them back into my life and if he does, I will welcome them with open arms.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
First Day Basics
I am very nervous to start my new job on Monday. I feel like I did on the first day of seventh grade. I moved to a new school and did not know anyone. I felt lost and out of place. Monday will be a new beginning, a chance to meet new people, a chance to become more of the person that I want to be.
On Monday, I want to allow myself to be a beginner. I want to give myself the opportunity to learn the basics, rather than expecting myself to make an impact on day one. Throughout my life I have set high expectations for myself and pressured myself to perform triple pirouettes, rather than learning how to plie.
When I was a freshman in college, I took a beginning modern dance class for fun. I found the class boring at times because the teacher focused on the basics, like how to point your toes, how to plie, and how to rise on your toes. I wanted to perform complicated turns, leaps, and jumps, rather than walk in triple steps across the floor. However, while these basic exercises seemed too easy, they made me a much better dancer.
When I returned home for the winter break, I retreated to my basement and put on my dancing shoes again. I was amazed to see that I could now easily perform five or six pirouettes at a time, when I found triple turns to be a challenge while in high school. The basic, simple exercises that my teacher stressed in my modern dance class helped me learn how to use my core muscles to control my body during more complicated dance steps. The basics improved my performance.
The lesson that I want to take with me as I start my new job on Monday is to be open to learning the simple basic lessons, such as who are the customers that I will support and what do they need. For the first time in my life, I want to lower my expectations for performing and to focus on going with the flow of the job. I believe if I allow myself to learn the basics, the performance will come and the job will turn into something amazing.
On my first day of work, I expect to feel lost, but I know that I am exactly where I am supposed to be at this time. Clarity will come when I stay open to the possibilities and to learn.
On Monday, I want to allow myself to be a beginner. I want to give myself the opportunity to learn the basics, rather than expecting myself to make an impact on day one. Throughout my life I have set high expectations for myself and pressured myself to perform triple pirouettes, rather than learning how to plie.
When I was a freshman in college, I took a beginning modern dance class for fun. I found the class boring at times because the teacher focused on the basics, like how to point your toes, how to plie, and how to rise on your toes. I wanted to perform complicated turns, leaps, and jumps, rather than walk in triple steps across the floor. However, while these basic exercises seemed too easy, they made me a much better dancer.
When I returned home for the winter break, I retreated to my basement and put on my dancing shoes again. I was amazed to see that I could now easily perform five or six pirouettes at a time, when I found triple turns to be a challenge while in high school. The basic, simple exercises that my teacher stressed in my modern dance class helped me learn how to use my core muscles to control my body during more complicated dance steps. The basics improved my performance.
The lesson that I want to take with me as I start my new job on Monday is to be open to learning the simple basic lessons, such as who are the customers that I will support and what do they need. For the first time in my life, I want to lower my expectations for performing and to focus on going with the flow of the job. I believe if I allow myself to learn the basics, the performance will come and the job will turn into something amazing.
On my first day of work, I expect to feel lost, but I know that I am exactly where I am supposed to be at this time. Clarity will come when I stay open to the possibilities and to learn.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Pretty little mistakes
Mistakes. Life is all about making pretty little mistakes. Little detours that teach us lessons to prepare us for our final destination. These little mistakes help us discover who we are really meant to be.
Courage. It takes a lot of courage to admit our mistakes and to ask for a second chance. It takes courage to embrace our fears and go after what we want.
I tapped into my courage and asked for a second chance for the job opportunity that I declined. I admitted that I made a mistake by turning down the job and expressed my fears that held me back from saying yes. My honesty paid off and I was given a second chance at the job.
I accepted the job and accomplished my goal. I set out on this journey to follow my heart. One thing that I learned is that I will never have a perfect picture of what I am meant to do. I believe that I will discover it over time, by making those little detours. I focused on what I was looking for in my next job and magically the pieces came together. I secured a job in marketing that will allow me to use my creative and analytical skills. I will be working with a team of smart people who respect my values for a manager who will teach me the lessons I need to learn right now. I see many possibilities for that interest me in my new job.
The only way to discover what my heart really wants is to try different things that interest me and learn from each experience. After all, each little detour will lead me closer to where I am meant to be.
Courage. It takes a lot of courage to admit our mistakes and to ask for a second chance. It takes courage to embrace our fears and go after what we want.
I tapped into my courage and asked for a second chance for the job opportunity that I declined. I admitted that I made a mistake by turning down the job and expressed my fears that held me back from saying yes. My honesty paid off and I was given a second chance at the job.
I accepted the job and accomplished my goal. I set out on this journey to follow my heart. One thing that I learned is that I will never have a perfect picture of what I am meant to do. I believe that I will discover it over time, by making those little detours. I focused on what I was looking for in my next job and magically the pieces came together. I secured a job in marketing that will allow me to use my creative and analytical skills. I will be working with a team of smart people who respect my values for a manager who will teach me the lessons I need to learn right now. I see many possibilities for that interest me in my new job.
The only way to discover what my heart really wants is to try different things that interest me and learn from each experience. After all, each little detour will lead me closer to where I am meant to be.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
The Power of Hope
I just finished reading an inspirational book called "The Freedom Writers Diary". It is about a young English teacher named Erin Gruwell who is given a freshman class of "unteachable, at-risk" kids. These students come from diverse ethnic backgrounds and have dealt with family abuse, neglect, gang violence, and extreme poverty. These kids have lost hope in a brighter future and feel destined to a hard life of violence and discrimination.
Ms. Gruwell accepts, respects, and challenges the students to rise above race discrimination. She gives them hope and teaches them about the power of change. She believes in their potential and encourages her students to believe in themselves. Through reading novels such as "The Diary of Anne Frank" and "The Color Purple" the students learn how to stand up for what they believe in and to go after their dreams.
It was amazing to read the student journal entries and hear their stories of losing family members to gang violence, being evicted from their homes, and suffering from physical and sexual abuse. The students gained confidence during their high school careers, improved their grades, and successfully graduated onto college. They learned how to use their writing to fight back against discrimination and rise above their current situations.
Ms. Gruwell clearly lived out her passion in life - to help others achieve success and confidence. She had a gift for inspiring others to believe in themselves. I believe it would be very rewarding to find a job where I would have the opportunity to make people feel better about themselves and inspire positive change. I want to make a difference in another's life in someway.
Ms. Gruwell accepts, respects, and challenges the students to rise above race discrimination. She gives them hope and teaches them about the power of change. She believes in their potential and encourages her students to believe in themselves. Through reading novels such as "The Diary of Anne Frank" and "The Color Purple" the students learn how to stand up for what they believe in and to go after their dreams.
It was amazing to read the student journal entries and hear their stories of losing family members to gang violence, being evicted from their homes, and suffering from physical and sexual abuse. The students gained confidence during their high school careers, improved their grades, and successfully graduated onto college. They learned how to use their writing to fight back against discrimination and rise above their current situations.
Ms. Gruwell clearly lived out her passion in life - to help others achieve success and confidence. She had a gift for inspiring others to believe in themselves. I believe it would be very rewarding to find a job where I would have the opportunity to make people feel better about themselves and inspire positive change. I want to make a difference in another's life in someway.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Second Chances
I learned a very important lesson yesterday. Once again, I learned that I must make my own decisions and not base them on what other people would want me to do. Also, I learned that sometimes God gives us exactly what we want, but we do not recognize it because we are waiting for the idealized situation that we create in our minds.
I said "no" to a job opportunity because I was afraid to make a choice. I assumed the job would be similar to the one I just left based on a past experience that was very traumatic for me. I failed to see that it was the exact opportunity that I needed and I regret my decision.
I spoke with the director and received some great advice. Those who love their jobs do not over think and plan their careers in detail. They try something that sounds interesting and it turns into a career that they could never have imagined. They are satisfied with their choice. Others, like myself, obsess and plan their careers in detail trying so hard to find the "perfect" fit and wind up disappointed and discouraged because no job will meet that idealized scenario in their minds. Perhaps we discover our dream jobs by chance when we take a risk and try something that piques our curiosity.
A year ago I ran into a similar situation that I am facing today. I decided to adopt a kitten, Luci after many months of debate. I was not sure that I wanted a kitten, but I decided to do so after seeing the joy in my Mom's eyes when we played with the kittens at the Humane Society. At first I hated Luci and greatly regretted my decision. She was hyper-active, disrupted my calming yoga routine, and made a mess of my immaculately clean condo. I second guessed my decision and gave her back to the Humane Society in an attempt to restore the calm, perfect order in my home.
The next day I returned home from a stressful day at work and Luci was not there to greet me excitedly at the door. My heart ached when I realized that I had overlooked all of her positive gifts of companionship and unconditional love. I called the Humane Society and begged to get her back. After a few weeks, I got her and it was the best decision that I could make. Yes, Luci is a mischievous cat who loves to dance on the counters, steal razors from the shower, and throw her toys under the dryer. But she also greets me with excitement each time I open the door and patiently waits until my yoga session is complete, so she can curl up on my chest while I lay in corpse pose, offering lots of love, comfort, and joy. Luci added life and color to my home and gave me exactly what I needed . . . unconditional love and acceptance.
The job I passed up was exactly what I needed at this time. I wanted a job that was creative and analytical, working for a manager who would be a mentor to me and help nurture my gifts and build my confidence again. I passed on a job that would allow me to work for a manager that I admired with a team that accepted and respected me for what I could offer. I would have had many opportunities to learn and grow and perhaps help others solve problems. Now I want a second chance. While this job may not have been "perfect", like Luci, it would have given me exactly what I need at this time.
I said "no" to a job opportunity because I was afraid to make a choice. I assumed the job would be similar to the one I just left based on a past experience that was very traumatic for me. I failed to see that it was the exact opportunity that I needed and I regret my decision.
I spoke with the director and received some great advice. Those who love their jobs do not over think and plan their careers in detail. They try something that sounds interesting and it turns into a career that they could never have imagined. They are satisfied with their choice. Others, like myself, obsess and plan their careers in detail trying so hard to find the "perfect" fit and wind up disappointed and discouraged because no job will meet that idealized scenario in their minds. Perhaps we discover our dream jobs by chance when we take a risk and try something that piques our curiosity.
A year ago I ran into a similar situation that I am facing today. I decided to adopt a kitten, Luci after many months of debate. I was not sure that I wanted a kitten, but I decided to do so after seeing the joy in my Mom's eyes when we played with the kittens at the Humane Society. At first I hated Luci and greatly regretted my decision. She was hyper-active, disrupted my calming yoga routine, and made a mess of my immaculately clean condo. I second guessed my decision and gave her back to the Humane Society in an attempt to restore the calm, perfect order in my home.
The next day I returned home from a stressful day at work and Luci was not there to greet me excitedly at the door. My heart ached when I realized that I had overlooked all of her positive gifts of companionship and unconditional love. I called the Humane Society and begged to get her back. After a few weeks, I got her and it was the best decision that I could make. Yes, Luci is a mischievous cat who loves to dance on the counters, steal razors from the shower, and throw her toys under the dryer. But she also greets me with excitement each time I open the door and patiently waits until my yoga session is complete, so she can curl up on my chest while I lay in corpse pose, offering lots of love, comfort, and joy. Luci added life and color to my home and gave me exactly what I needed . . . unconditional love and acceptance.
The job I passed up was exactly what I needed at this time. I wanted a job that was creative and analytical, working for a manager who would be a mentor to me and help nurture my gifts and build my confidence again. I passed on a job that would allow me to work for a manager that I admired with a team that accepted and respected me for what I could offer. I would have had many opportunities to learn and grow and perhaps help others solve problems. Now I want a second chance. While this job may not have been "perfect", like Luci, it would have given me exactly what I need at this time.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Embracing fear
Today I took a big risk and said "no" to a job opportunity that did not feel like a good fit for me at this time. It was the hardest decision that I have had to make because I am left facing one of my biggest fears - not having a job. However, I set out on this journey to follow my heart. My heart sent me clear signals that I could not ignore telling me the job was not what I wanted.
In the past, I would have ignored what my heart was telling me and tried to make the best of the job. Yes, I know that I could have been pleasantly surprised and the job could have turned out to be just what I needed. However, I had too many red flags during the interview process that made me come to the decision to not take the job.
I still do not have a clear picture of what my ideal job would look like. I believe it will be something that I cannot imagine right now. I will walk into an environment and meet with people who are smart and share my values. It will be a comforting place where I will be able to learn and help others solve problems. I will be respected and appreciated for what I can do, rather than criticized for my weaknesses. I will be able to have balance in my life. The job will fall into place easily and I will be excited and energized by the opportunity.
I made my decision and I will not second guess. I will continue to focus on what I am looking for in a company and a job and trust that the right opportunity will be there when I am ready. Maybe this job opportunity was a test to see if I am committed to following my heart, rather than surrendering to my fears. Maybe right now, I need a little more time to heal.
In the past, I would have ignored what my heart was telling me and tried to make the best of the job. Yes, I know that I could have been pleasantly surprised and the job could have turned out to be just what I needed. However, I had too many red flags during the interview process that made me come to the decision to not take the job.
I still do not have a clear picture of what my ideal job would look like. I believe it will be something that I cannot imagine right now. I will walk into an environment and meet with people who are smart and share my values. It will be a comforting place where I will be able to learn and help others solve problems. I will be respected and appreciated for what I can do, rather than criticized for my weaknesses. I will be able to have balance in my life. The job will fall into place easily and I will be excited and energized by the opportunity.
I made my decision and I will not second guess. I will continue to focus on what I am looking for in a company and a job and trust that the right opportunity will be there when I am ready. Maybe this job opportunity was a test to see if I am committed to following my heart, rather than surrendering to my fears. Maybe right now, I need a little more time to heal.
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